In this section, which concludes chapter three, Wojtyla defines tenderness as "the ability to feel with and for the whole person," and calls it an important factor in love. He also explains the connection between tenderness and continence, and he warns how tenderness expressed too early in a relationship may in fact prevent the ripening of a genuine love.

Wojtyla writes, "We feel tenderness for a person .. when we become conscious of the ties that unite us. ... that we can enter into their inner feelings, and experience their state of mind in our own 'interior'. The essence of tenderness is in the tendency to make one's own the feelings and mental states of another. He says, "This tendency seeks outward expression: I feel the need to let the other 'I' know that I take his feelings and his state of mind to hear, to make the other human being feel that I am sharing it all, that I am feeling what he feels." Furthermore, there is a need to actively communicate tenderness, yet "tenderness resides in an inner emotional attitude, not in its outward manifestations, for they can equally well be purely conventional and social." Claire pointed out that some people are naturally warm, like mothers who hug their daughter's girlfriends. Peter added that there are cultural differences as well, joking about a 'Slovakia hugging marathon'.

There is a very clear distinction that needs to be drawn between tenderness and sensuality. Sensuality is naturally oriented towards seeking sexual enjoyment. Tenderness, on the other hand, is not an expression of concupiscence but rather one of benevolence and devotion; its immediate aim is not enjoyment but a feeling of nearness. Also, Lucie pointed out the differences between tenderness and touching - tenderness can be manifested without touching, for example through the tone of voice. Peter added that tenderness is not necessarily something physical but rather the ability to feel for others and to express those feelings.

He continues, "There exists, then a problem of educating tenderness, within the general problem of educating love 'in' man and woman, and consequently 'between' them. This problem is the problem of continence. For tenderness demands vigilance against the danger that its manifestations may acquire a different significance and become merely forms of sensual and sexual gratification." Tenderness, therefore, requires a "perfected inner self-control."

Can we speak of a 'right to tenderness'? Wojtyla poses and answers this question affirmatively, when there is love. He says we all have a right to give and to receive tenderness, but tenderness requires a single criterion, that of love and love of the person. Tenderness, he says, has no raison d'etre outside love. Tenderness also requires a certain firmness and intransigence of will. He adds: We must not forget that love for a human being must also contain certain elements of struggle. Struggle for the beloved human being, and his or her true good.

Wojtyla then applies these observations to the relationships between men and women. He says that love is powered to a great extent by sensuality and sentiment, hence tenderness can easily diverge from love of the person and stray in the direction of sensual or emotional egoism. Furthermore, exterior manifestations of tenderness may create illusions of a love which in reality may not exist. He concludes that if we are to grant men and women the 'right' to tenderness, we must also demand an even greater sense of responsibility. "There undoubtedly exists a tendency ... to enlarge those rights, to seek to enjoy them prematurely when both are only at the stage of the arousal of sentiment, and with it of sensuality, while the objective aspect of love, and the union of persons, are still missing. " Such premature tenderness can destroy love.

Claire pointed out that Wojtyla is saying don't use tenderness until there is true love. Sean brought up the image of Hollywood types who hug instead of shaking hands -- tenderness as a sort of prop, projecting a love that is not really there, so that it becomes something false and negative. "Without the virtue of moderation, without chastity and self-control it is impossible so to educate and develop tenderness that it does not harm love but serves it. ... It is much more a matter of the steady participation of emotion, of a durable commitment to love, for it is this that brings a man and a woman close together, creates an interior climate of 'communicativeness'."

"A great deal of tenderness of this kind is needed in marriage, in that life together in which it is not only a body that needs a body, but a human being that needs a human being. ... Both in the woman and in the man tenderness creates a feeling of not being alone, a feeling that her or his whole life is equally the content of another and very dear person's life. This conviction very greatly facilitates and reinforces their sense of unity."

Wojtyla proceeds to explain why he has embarked on a discussion of tenderness within a chapter on continence. There is in fact a close connection between tenderness and continence -- there can be no genuine tenderness without a perfected habit of continence -- continence to overcome the temptation merely to enjoy. True love, a union of persons, may develop from the very same raw material as the semblance of love which merely masks an inner attitude of egoism that is contrary to love. Continence, says Wojtyla, liberates us from this attitude and indirectly creates love.

Sean remarked that while tenderness can exist without chastity, chastity/continence helps channel the tenderness in a positive direction, to a genuine love, instead of sentimentality or worse. Lucie observed that the notion of continence is in fact a broader notion than chastity. Yet chastity is self-moderation, pureness of heart, but not necessarily abstention (i.e., chastity within marriage).

He concludes: Love between man and woman cannot be built without sacrifices and self-denial. We find the formula for this renunciation in the Gospel, in the words of Christ. "Whoever would follow me must first renounce his own self... The Gospel teaches continence as a way of showing love."