Wojtyla begins the section entitled Choice and Responsibility with these words: “Nowhere else in the whole book, perhaps, is its title, Love and Responsibility, more to the point than it is here.” Indeed, our group found tonight's sections (pages 130-136) among the most profound and meaningful of our readings thus far.

Wojtyla continues, “There exists in love a particular responsibility—the responsibility for a person who is drawn into the closest possible partnership in the life and activity of another, and becomes in a sense the property of whoever benefits from this gift of self.” At our last discussion, we talked about this notion of property—specifically, whether a wife is the property of her husband. Here Wojtyla is reinforcing his message that just as the wife is the property of her husband, so is the husband property of his wife.

“It follows that the one also has a responsibility for one's own love: is it mature and complete enough to justify the enormous trust of another person, the hope that giving oneself will not mean losing one's own 'soul', but on the contrary enlarging one's own existence - or will it all end in disillusionment?” Peter explained that Wojtyla considers the gift of self such an awesome gift, that the only appropriate response is to act responsibly. Wojtyla is posing a challenging question: Is your love complete enough? Peter reflected on the commitment and example of love his father showed by caring night and day for his mother when she was seriously ill.

“Responsibility for love clearly comes down to responsibility for the person, originates in it and returns to it.... But its immensity can only be understood by one who has a complete awareness of the value of the person. Anyone who is capable only of reacting to the sexual values connected with the person, and inherent in it, but cannot see the values of the person as such, will always go on confusing love and eros, will complicate his own life and that of others by letting the reality of love, its true 'relish' escape him.” Sylvia commented that when one loves another, one embraces responsibility—and yet so many young people shy away from any commitment; they are confusing love and eros. Nona remarked that Love and Responsibility, along with Natural Family Planning (NFP), ought to be taught in pre-Cana. Alter behavior, and attitudes will follow, she quipped. She also told the group about a newsletter published by the Couple to Couple League. This newsletter is written by married couples practicing NFP to help other couples improve their own marriages.

The Holy Father then explains what he terms “the problem of choice” (page 131). Before the love between a man and a woman can become betrothed love, they each face the choice of the person on whom to bestow the gift of self. He writes, “The object of choice is another person, but it is as though one were choosing another 'I', choosing oneself in another, and the other in oneself. Only if it is objectively good for two persons to be together can they belong to each other.” There is an objective standard—if the relationship draws you closer to God. Yet even a painful relationship can bring one closer to God—though we are not to seek out painful relationships. Many times, Ellen said, God brings two people together to bring about unselfishness and self-sacrifice. Nona added that St. Monica did not have a great marriage, but she produced St. Augustine, and eventually her husband did convert. Life is often that way, she said. Meredith said that her grandfather converted at 89 years old to spend eternal life with her grandmother. Meredith clarified, “What is God telling you? And are you listening?” Ellen then added, “If you are involved with someone who does not know God, eventually you each will be on different wavelengths. The question to consider is whether each person has a track record of wanting to grow on a higher level—so that you are ”equally yoked,“ as the Bible says, on the same spiritual level, a level of zeal to grow towards heaven.” Peter reminded the group that Wojtyla calls men and women “co-creators of love”—pray together before getting married, so that there are less surprises once married.

Wojtyla continues, “For a human being is always first and foremost himself ('a person'), and in order not merely to live with another but to live by and for that other person he must continually discover himself in the other and the other in himself.” He adds that love is impossible for those who are mutually inpenetrable—“only the spirituality and the 'inwardness' of persons create the conditions for mutual interpenetration, which enables each to live in and by the other.” The more spiritual a person is, he is saying, the more capable of true love. Nona commented that as the more one develops oneself spiritually, the more one has to surrender to God. Kevin added that even the religious non-spiritual are cold; when compared to someone spiritual, it is as though the two are speaking different languages. Peter said that what makes a person is inner life—the richer the inner life, the richer the relationship. Nona explained why people shy from commitment: first, it is a risk, a natural human fear of being rejected. Second, we fear not being truly loved and understood for the reasons we want to be loved and understood. Kevin compared it all to computer syntax—if you get it even a bit wrong, “system failure!” Jackie cautioned: don't be blinded by someone's spirituality. Laura added that while some people are religious in following the rules, their actions betray a lack of spirituality—the pharisee syndrome, she called it. Kevin views two elements of faith—1) the religious—law and ritual, and 2) spirituality. We need to be able to integrate both sides; people who see just one side and don't understand this integration thus see a distorted view of religion.

“... the way in which such choices are made remains one of the secrets of human individuality,” Wojtyla writes. Sylvia said, “but I believe there is one man out there for me, and God will guide my choice.” It doesn't depend on a single person, Nona answered. There are many people with whom you could have a satisfying life and fewer with whom you could have an ecstatic life. It is not only up to God, Joan said, but also up to you, to be open to His revelation. And don't let that stop you from being responsible and prudent, Jackie added. Sylvia answered, if you are a person of prayer, God speaks to you and things start to happen beautifully. St. Ignatius said “Do as if everything depended on you; and pray as if everything depended on God.”

“For the choice of a person is a process in which sexual values cannot function as the sole motive, or even—if we analyze this act of will thoroughly—as the primary motive.... Clearly, if we are to speak of choosing a person, the value of the person must itself be the primary reason for choice.” He adds, “Primary reason does not mean sole reason.” “So that if we consider the whole process by which a man chooses a woman or a woman a man, we can say that it is set in motion by recognition of and reaction to sexual values, but that in the last analysis each chooses the sexual values because they belong to a person, and not the person because of his or her sexual values.... True love, a love that is internally complete, is one in which we choose the person for the sake of the person,—that in which a man chooses a woman or a woman chooses a man not just as a sexual 'partner' but as the person on whom to bestow the gift of his or her own life.... The essential reason for choosing a person must be personal, not merely sexual. Life will determine the value of a choice and the value and true magnitude of love.”

A matured love is both serene and confident, Wojtyla writes, for it ceases to be absorbed entirely in itself and attaches itself instead to its object, to the beloved. The love for a person resulting from a valid choice (centered on the value of the person) makes us feel emotional love for the person as he or she really is, not for the person of our imagination. Sean remarked on the misguided culture of romance in our society—find this special person, and be in love, and be happy. In fact, it is a utilitarian mission, ultimately, using another as a tool or instrument for one's own happiness. Peter added that in marriage the goal is to draw closer to God, and we are supposed to represent God to our spouse, to love our spouse as God loves.

Wojtyla then explains that only when love between husband and wife is put to a test can its true value be seen. Peter spoke on what he called a counter-intuitive point: we ought to look forward to failure, to bad times—which will come anyway—as failure and bad experiences are chances to grow and to prove our love. You had better hope there are bad times before you are married, so that you develop a mature attitude on how to grow closer together and to God during these experiences. “The strength of such a love emerges most clearly when the beloved person stumbles, when his or her weaknesses or even sins come into the open. One who truly loves does not then withdraw his love, but loves all the more, loves in full consciousness of the other's shortcomings and faults, and without in the least approving of them. For the person as such never loses its essential value. The emotion which attaches itself to the value of the person remains loyal to the human being.”

The Commitment of Freedom

“Only true knowledge of a person makes it possible to commit one's freedom to him or her. Love consists of a commitment which limits one's freedom—it is a giving of the self, and to give oneself means just that: to limit one's freedom on behalf of another. Limitation of one's freedom might seem to be something negative and unpleasant, but love makes it a positive, joyful and creative thing. Freedom exists for the sake of love.”

What does Wojtyla mean by “true knowledge?” And how can we ever have “true knowledge” of another? True knowledge does not mean knowing the other entirely, but it does mean having essential knowledge of the other—core values, how the other reacts in a crisis. Peter remarked how Dietrich von Hildebrand writes on love at “first meeting,” a response to the values of another. Meredith added that her parents were immediately attracted to each other, attracted to the goodness in each other.

Wojtyla continues: “Love commits freedom and imbues it with that to which the will is naturally attracted—goodness. The will aspires to the good, and freedom belongs to the will, hence freedom exists for the sake of love, because it is by the way of love that human beings share most fully in the good. This is what gives freedom its real entitlement to one of the highest places in the moral order, in the hierarchy of man's wholesome longings and desires. But man longs for love more than for freedom—freedom is the means and love is the end. He longs however for true love, for only if it is based on truth is a genuine commitment of freedom possible. The will is free, but at the same time it 'is obliged to' seek the good which is congenial to it, it can seek and choose freely, but it is not free from the need to seek and to choose.”